Half-person.

[arrowwhiskers]

Sometimes I feel like I am a half-person, like I am just a shell of blood and bones and organs and there is nothing real to me.
I feel like people all around me look, and they see me, and they see my emptiness. They see that I am an empty person and then they glance away and forget the moment and I am no one.

They've always done that. But before there were a couple who didn't, and they were the only ones who mattered. Here I am a stranger to everybody. Before I used to see a potential friend in every stranger's glance, but now I just feel their eyes pass through their potential friendship with me and deem it worthless.

Even after almost an entire semester, I don't have a life here. My life is still in Boston. Which is NOT to say I don't have friends. But I think the only people who actually truly give a shit about me here are Ray and Maria, and I met them both online. As much as I adore them, they do not anchor me in this life--most of our interactions are online as well. There is not a single person for whom it is necessary or even really that important that I am *here*.
So I don't really have a real life, not in Arizona. And I really am trying to make one. I'm trying to move on, yet failing--not for a wavering desire, not for uncertainty in my path, not for turning too often to look behind me--but for a lack of something *in me* that other people see and find attractive. I don't know how to make friends--real friends, whose presence actually matters. I really don't. I don't know how it happened the first time...how I made friends before. It just kind of happened. I don't know how to repeat it. I don't know how to turn myself into a whole person, one that people actually see. -_-

I don't know since when it's been Rai-is-emo week, but I'm sorry...

Hiatus on AIM and LJ until Wednesday night (maybe?), since I have let things pile up, yet again.

Comments

[acern.livejournal.com]

There needs to be a way to write D: in all caps and bold and really really big so I can express my sadness for you. Don't be unhappy, Rai... I can guarantee you that that's not how it is. (This is a lame argument to use in response to your worries about friends BUT) studies have shown that people actually become friends not with people who share the same interests or personality types or thoughts on subjects but with people who they spend a lot of time with, SO I think the most ginormungous factor in your feeling alone-ness is probably that you just don't have the _time_ to actually spend with people in order to develop really close friendships on account of how you're always _swamped_ with _so much work_. And you _shouldn't_ see that as a reflection on yourself because you're a wonderful person and people can see that, it's just hard to see them seeing it because that's how life is. And don't be sad, please. D: We still love you here.

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I'm not really that unhappy in the big scheme of things, I'm just a drama queen who always wants more.

You are lovely for always trying to make me feel better despite my most egotistical complaints. I miss you, I hope taht you haven't had similar problems finding friends. :3 <3