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I feel sick, but not because I got an hour of sleep last night. It's because people don't understand. THey think that I'm the way I am because of my lifestyle, because of my habits, or whatever, and refuse to believe that I'm really sick. I know I'm sick, I know it. The doctor knows it, and my family knows it, and frankly, if I weren't sick, I'd have gotten better before now. Because I've tried most everything.
I've been an insomniac as long as I can remember, which is a considerably long time. If I tunnel into the recesses of my memory, then I drift back into the bedroom of our old appartment, laying in the loft of a large bunk bed. Below lies my brother who's been asleep for hours now. But no, even before him, before my brother was anything but a concept, an idea of something that could plausibly be, but wasn't yet. Thinking to myself as I lay in my little bed, fixing my eyes on the line of light that squeezed in below the shut door. Watching the minutes tick by on the glowing digital display.
I remember I used to giggle to myself when the militant kindergarten teacher used to unstruct us to go to bed at 7. When once I told her that my bedtime was 9.30, she grew very angry and insisted I get to bed at a more reasonable hour. What would she have said had she known that I often didn't fall asleep until midnight, and sometime later? I was far too scared to tell her that. But it was true--I was always an insomniac. Back when I used to eat spaced out meals and be healthy and strong and normal. I swear, it's my insomnia that's made me this way, not the other way around...since it only gets worse with time, and contrary to popular belief, I have tried things to solve it. I've made my diet healthier, I've tried different types of exercise, different bedtimes, everything. I've given them a chance, too, and usually when I change my routine, I feel sicker for the first week, before returning to my normal state. Not even usually--it happens every time.
I hate when people are patronizing to me, giving me advice that's completely obvious. Oh, go to bed earlier. Duhhh, tried that. You would feel better if you got more sleep! They say. Well, I knew that already. I've tried to. They don't understand that it's not that easy. If it were that easy, it would have worked.
What stands out in my mind the most when I think of this is a week I spent at 4H camp. It was one of the oddest weeks of my life, since I essentially did not sleep. Every night, the lights in the cabin went out at 10 PM, I believe. May've been 10.30. But each night, in the dark, in the middle of the woods, lying in a bunk, doing absolutely nothing, I would wait. Wait for sleep. Wait for morning. I didn't even know. All I know is that I couldn't sleep. And then at around 7 or 7.30, they'd rouse us. I'd drag my pathetic form from bed, head spinning since I only got an hour or two of sleep. The camp activities were fun, and engaging, and requiring activity, so I did not feel tired during the day, for the most part. But as night came, I felt exhausted. Again, at 10.30 or whatever, the lights would be shut off, and I'd be alone with myself again. Though exhausted, I wasn't able to sleep. I stared out my window into the moonlit forest. For hours, while my eyes itched. I kept having to go to the bathroom since I was awake so long, but I was always feeling guilty to wake someone. I got probably an average of two hours of sleep each night at that place, for an entire week. According to all logic, all medical claims, that should have put my hours normal, even a little bit. It made no sense that I would be living full days, filled with exercise, and healthy, full meals, exploration, exhertion...you name it, and yet be not able to sleep. EVeryone else could, but I couldn't, and that's about when I first started thinking of my insomnia as a problem, as a disease. Since it's only been more of the same. And it's not just because of my lifestyle. There are factors there I can't control. If you think I can solve it alone then you're wrong. Nothing's worked for me, and maybe that's hard to comprehend for someone who's never had this sort of problem. But you can't just ride off my problem as having a simple solution; I would have found it. I hate it when people act like I'm not doing everything I can to try to fix my problem. It's like they want it to be solved more than I do; but they're not the ones being destroyed by it.
So that's why I hate it when people say 'you need to do this, or give this a try, or, I don't knwo why it's not working, but try again, it doesn't make sense that it doesn't work.' It's like saying...you're not trying hard enough. As I've said, it's not a problem that can be solved by my work alone. It's just not. Telling me that I should do really basic things to try to fix myself is like telling a person with clinical depression to snap out of it. Guess what? THey can't. And I can't just kind of 'snap out of' my insomnia. It's a physical problem, something in my brain, and it requires medicine to solve. However, my medicine doesn't work either. Therin lies my problem. I have an issue that nobody knows how to solve, and then I get into petty arguments with people who can't accept the fact that there's not a simple solution. People who don't know what it's like to not be able to sleep, people who can't comprehend what it feels like. I can't stand it. I can't stand it when people act all knowledgable and condesecnding concerning matters that they have no way of understanding. It's not helpful at all, and comes off really coarse and mean even if not at all intended so.
I've said enough about that and I'm going to let the matter be. Thankfully I have less homework tonight, and it feels far later than it is because I couldn't cope with life enough to deal with going to anime club today.
I'm going to Lexington with my mom on a boring mission, but with any luck at all staying away from people for awhile and getting some fresh air will make me more pleasant. Can hope.
nihongo kotoba--
taiyou- sun
machi- road
konpyuutaa- >__>
paasokon- PC
I can't readily think of other words I want to learn. It's very irritating. >> Since there's so much to know...
Merh. Gad, life's just kinda lame. I'll come back once it's better, I guess.
I've been an insomniac as long as I can remember, which is a considerably long time. If I tunnel into the recesses of my memory, then I drift back into the bedroom of our old appartment, laying in the loft of a large bunk bed. Below lies my brother who's been asleep for hours now. But no, even before him, before my brother was anything but a concept, an idea of something that could plausibly be, but wasn't yet. Thinking to myself as I lay in my little bed, fixing my eyes on the line of light that squeezed in below the shut door. Watching the minutes tick by on the glowing digital display.
I remember I used to giggle to myself when the militant kindergarten teacher used to unstruct us to go to bed at 7. When once I told her that my bedtime was 9.30, she grew very angry and insisted I get to bed at a more reasonable hour. What would she have said had she known that I often didn't fall asleep until midnight, and sometime later? I was far too scared to tell her that. But it was true--I was always an insomniac. Back when I used to eat spaced out meals and be healthy and strong and normal. I swear, it's my insomnia that's made me this way, not the other way around...since it only gets worse with time, and contrary to popular belief, I have tried things to solve it. I've made my diet healthier, I've tried different types of exercise, different bedtimes, everything. I've given them a chance, too, and usually when I change my routine, I feel sicker for the first week, before returning to my normal state. Not even usually--it happens every time.
I hate when people are patronizing to me, giving me advice that's completely obvious. Oh, go to bed earlier. Duhhh, tried that. You would feel better if you got more sleep! They say. Well, I knew that already. I've tried to. They don't understand that it's not that easy. If it were that easy, it would have worked.
What stands out in my mind the most when I think of this is a week I spent at 4H camp. It was one of the oddest weeks of my life, since I essentially did not sleep. Every night, the lights in the cabin went out at 10 PM, I believe. May've been 10.30. But each night, in the dark, in the middle of the woods, lying in a bunk, doing absolutely nothing, I would wait. Wait for sleep. Wait for morning. I didn't even know. All I know is that I couldn't sleep. And then at around 7 or 7.30, they'd rouse us. I'd drag my pathetic form from bed, head spinning since I only got an hour or two of sleep. The camp activities were fun, and engaging, and requiring activity, so I did not feel tired during the day, for the most part. But as night came, I felt exhausted. Again, at 10.30 or whatever, the lights would be shut off, and I'd be alone with myself again. Though exhausted, I wasn't able to sleep. I stared out my window into the moonlit forest. For hours, while my eyes itched. I kept having to go to the bathroom since I was awake so long, but I was always feeling guilty to wake someone. I got probably an average of two hours of sleep each night at that place, for an entire week. According to all logic, all medical claims, that should have put my hours normal, even a little bit. It made no sense that I would be living full days, filled with exercise, and healthy, full meals, exploration, exhertion...you name it, and yet be not able to sleep. EVeryone else could, but I couldn't, and that's about when I first started thinking of my insomnia as a problem, as a disease. Since it's only been more of the same. And it's not just because of my lifestyle. There are factors there I can't control. If you think I can solve it alone then you're wrong. Nothing's worked for me, and maybe that's hard to comprehend for someone who's never had this sort of problem. But you can't just ride off my problem as having a simple solution; I would have found it. I hate it when people act like I'm not doing everything I can to try to fix my problem. It's like they want it to be solved more than I do; but they're not the ones being destroyed by it.
So that's why I hate it when people say 'you need to do this, or give this a try, or, I don't knwo why it's not working, but try again, it doesn't make sense that it doesn't work.' It's like saying...you're not trying hard enough. As I've said, it's not a problem that can be solved by my work alone. It's just not. Telling me that I should do really basic things to try to fix myself is like telling a person with clinical depression to snap out of it. Guess what? THey can't. And I can't just kind of 'snap out of' my insomnia. It's a physical problem, something in my brain, and it requires medicine to solve. However, my medicine doesn't work either. Therin lies my problem. I have an issue that nobody knows how to solve, and then I get into petty arguments with people who can't accept the fact that there's not a simple solution. People who don't know what it's like to not be able to sleep, people who can't comprehend what it feels like. I can't stand it. I can't stand it when people act all knowledgable and condesecnding concerning matters that they have no way of understanding. It's not helpful at all, and comes off really coarse and mean even if not at all intended so.
I've said enough about that and I'm going to let the matter be. Thankfully I have less homework tonight, and it feels far later than it is because I couldn't cope with life enough to deal with going to anime club today.
I'm going to Lexington with my mom on a boring mission, but with any luck at all staying away from people for awhile and getting some fresh air will make me more pleasant. Can hope.
nihongo kotoba--
taiyou- sun
machi- road
konpyuutaa- >__>
paasokon- PC
I can't readily think of other words I want to learn. It's very irritating. >> Since there's so much to know...
Merh. Gad, life's just kinda lame. I'll come back once it's better, I guess.
