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Exhaustion
Aug. 5th, 2008 09:22 amI feel like I'm becoming reacquainted with an old friend: exhaustion. My insomnia has been coming back with a vengeance, and even though I've "gone to bed" by 4 the past few nights (still late, admittedly), I haven't managed either night to fall asleep until after dawn has already peeked up through the curtains on my windows. Even my father admitted to me that I seem exceptionally tired today, and I have to agree. This spacy, dead feeling, while familiar, occupies a fairly distant memory.
I don't really know what to say, honestly. I feel like every day, interesting and new thoughts flow through my head--and I spend a lot of time considering them, but come to no conclusions. I wish that I could describe them...but something about the mass of ideas defies documentation, but welcomes discussion. Though in general I just haven't felt like writing much of anything--there is a disconnect and an uninspiredness that I have been struggling with in recent times, and it extends even to my normally consistent relation to lj and the tiredness surely isn't helping.
So meanwhile I've been mostly dividing my time between feverishly trying to finish Phoenix Wright (I gave myself a spoiler by accident and I'm desperate to know if it were a vitally huge one), and seeing a lot of Wen. It's an enjoyable enough existence, but it feels fundamentally unproductive.
I am at least somewhat becoming more prepared for my move, though. I finally got a new computer, a model of the MSI Wind I linked to earlier, and I have named it Juan. Juan is very tiny--so small that if I think about it too much, the screen begins to feel claustrophobic and the keyboard and touchpad are going to take a lot more getting used to before I can type on them without expecting them to be bigger. Even so, I am pretty taken with Juan. He is perfectly sized and weighted; I can envision taking him anywhere without much trouble. He also runs smoothly and does not as yet seem to have an overheating problem. It makes me feel more secure to know that however unprepared I may otherwise be for school, at least I have a computer.
On the other hand, however, yesterday my trusty, quirky, vaguely murderous bike of the past many years was finally humbled. Wen and I were all set to go on a ride and I noticed that the front tire had gone totally flat--something I'm honestly surprised hadn't already happened several years ago. Because I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks, it doesn't make sense to sink money into a new tire, at least not now. Still, I really miss it already...I didn't realize how much I depend upon the stupid thing until I don't have it. (I have to WALK to the dentist this afternoon). I think it comes from a rule of fate that I cannot have a working bike and a working computer at the same time. My acquisition of Juan meant that the bike needed to break. All I know is that if my mom sees fit to get rid of it while I am away (she's mentioned the possibility in passing), I will possibly never speak to her again. >> I made this quite clear to her, too.
In other unhappy news, Northeastern has once again proven to be a pain in my neck. Apparently, even though I've called the financial aid office there a bazillion times and told them I was leaving, and withdrew from the uni officially and EVERYTHING...they still don't apparently know anything about it, and the financial office kept sending me nasty emails on my soon-to-be-closed email account insisting that I sign my promissory note again. I called them asking what was going on, considering even if I were staying at NEU I already SIGNED the note, and when I told the lady I was transferring she listed a lot of things I still apparently need to do. What? Where was this information when I specifically called several times and ASKED WHAT I SHOULD DO back in oh...May? Arghghgh.
I just..I don't know. I feel like I can't even really move myself to get truly indignant about all the bullshit because honestly? The truth is I'm just too tired.
I don't really know what to say, honestly. I feel like every day, interesting and new thoughts flow through my head--and I spend a lot of time considering them, but come to no conclusions. I wish that I could describe them...but something about the mass of ideas defies documentation, but welcomes discussion. Though in general I just haven't felt like writing much of anything--there is a disconnect and an uninspiredness that I have been struggling with in recent times, and it extends even to my normally consistent relation to lj and the tiredness surely isn't helping.
So meanwhile I've been mostly dividing my time between feverishly trying to finish Phoenix Wright (I gave myself a spoiler by accident and I'm desperate to know if it were a vitally huge one), and seeing a lot of Wen. It's an enjoyable enough existence, but it feels fundamentally unproductive.
I am at least somewhat becoming more prepared for my move, though. I finally got a new computer, a model of the MSI Wind I linked to earlier, and I have named it Juan. Juan is very tiny--so small that if I think about it too much, the screen begins to feel claustrophobic and the keyboard and touchpad are going to take a lot more getting used to before I can type on them without expecting them to be bigger. Even so, I am pretty taken with Juan. He is perfectly sized and weighted; I can envision taking him anywhere without much trouble. He also runs smoothly and does not as yet seem to have an overheating problem. It makes me feel more secure to know that however unprepared I may otherwise be for school, at least I have a computer.
On the other hand, however, yesterday my trusty, quirky, vaguely murderous bike of the past many years was finally humbled. Wen and I were all set to go on a ride and I noticed that the front tire had gone totally flat--something I'm honestly surprised hadn't already happened several years ago. Because I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks, it doesn't make sense to sink money into a new tire, at least not now. Still, I really miss it already...I didn't realize how much I depend upon the stupid thing until I don't have it. (I have to WALK to the dentist this afternoon). I think it comes from a rule of fate that I cannot have a working bike and a working computer at the same time. My acquisition of Juan meant that the bike needed to break. All I know is that if my mom sees fit to get rid of it while I am away (she's mentioned the possibility in passing), I will possibly never speak to her again. >> I made this quite clear to her, too.
In other unhappy news, Northeastern has once again proven to be a pain in my neck. Apparently, even though I've called the financial aid office there a bazillion times and told them I was leaving, and withdrew from the uni officially and EVERYTHING...they still don't apparently know anything about it, and the financial office kept sending me nasty emails on my soon-to-be-closed email account insisting that I sign my promissory note again. I called them asking what was going on, considering even if I were staying at NEU I already SIGNED the note, and when I told the lady I was transferring she listed a lot of things I still apparently need to do. What? Where was this information when I specifically called several times and ASKED WHAT I SHOULD DO back in oh...May? Arghghgh.
I just..I don't know. I feel like I can't even really move myself to get truly indignant about all the bullshit because honestly? The truth is I'm just too tired.
