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arrowwhiskersI guess I have a serious confession to make, of such a deep secret that I'm not entirely sure that even I really realized its full implications.
For the past few years, I have studied Latin America (mostly Mexico). I do find the region's politics, history, culture, and language(s) to be really fascinating and worthy of study, at least inasmuch as I actually enjoy the process of studying anything.
But I don't think that I ever seriously believed that I wanted to live here. This is where the confession comes in, because I feel like I've been telling people that I've wanted to go to or live in Latin America ever since I started to study it in earnest. And I think ideally, I wanted to believe that I would be openminded enough to be able to live here and to enjoy it, but I know that deep down I was fairly sure that it wouldn't really be for me. The thing is, I'm totally soft, an American wuss in every way: I like my food safe and clean, I like my showers warm, I like internet and 24 hour libraries and not having to deal with the pressure of haggling over every little purchase.
However, being that this is my area of study, it never really made sense that I *wouldn't* at some point have to come here. And I was truly excited to do it, but I feel like a big part of me was always thinking “oh well, it'll be tough, less comfortable than I'm used to, but I'll get through it somehow, and then I'll have the experience behind me, and feel good about the fact that I've done it, and learn from it, and then move back to my cushy life in the US and move on. I'll have satisfied the requirement as it relates to my personal perception of my schooling, and I'll have satisfied my curiosity and gotten my fix and my fill. And it will be good.”
I never really considered that I would love this place as much as I'd always tried to convince others (and myself, but mostly others) that I would. And at the beginning, I did sort of feel hesitant and reserved, just focusing on day to day events and thinking about it as a period in my life to be completed. But now, the more my thoughts wander the more I realize how absolutely amazing this place is to me. It's really something extraordinary. My chest gets tight just thinking that less than 3 months from now, I'll be back in the US, and I won't be walking around Antigua's cobblestone streets dodging cars and bikes and pedestrians, and that I won't be able to walk into a little tienda just anytime and say “por favor, me gustaría..”, or that I won't be able to just hop a chicken bus and get jammed into 5 other people as the driver takes a hairpin mountain turn at 65 mph.
Or that marimba music won't be sort of the background noise anymore. And that there won't be salsa and reggaeton playing in every corner bar. That people won't smile and dawdle as they do here, that there won't be a marketplace instead of an enormous Fry's or Shaw's.
The idea of leaving all of these things is just completely numbing and sobering and it distresses me like no other. My previous deep-seated predictions about my life are being rocked to their foundations, and the odd part is that I never realized how much I was comfortably settled in a relatively specific idea of what life and happiness and the future was until all of it came into question. Fuck, I really love it here. I love the richness of culture and people, I love the flavors of food and environment, I love the onda of daily life. I can imagine leaving, but I can't imagine never coming back. Going back to the rest of my days in the US has transformed from my fundamental life plan, into something that at least at the moment is too painful to even truly contemplate. Wtf?
And that makes me feel so lost because holy crap, what is my life now? What do I want to do? How do I go about doing it? I'm feeling the painful loss of a plan I never knew I had. I don't even know who I am anymore, I just know that things aren't how I thought they were, and that I'm not who I thought I was. It scares me a little bit. I just know that right now, Guatemala is exactly the place I want to be, for as long as I can stay here...and that being here even a month has already changed my life far more than I ever could have imagined was even possible.
...Guys, I think I may be in over my head. :S
For the past few years, I have studied Latin America (mostly Mexico). I do find the region's politics, history, culture, and language(s) to be really fascinating and worthy of study, at least inasmuch as I actually enjoy the process of studying anything.
But I don't think that I ever seriously believed that I wanted to live here. This is where the confession comes in, because I feel like I've been telling people that I've wanted to go to or live in Latin America ever since I started to study it in earnest. And I think ideally, I wanted to believe that I would be openminded enough to be able to live here and to enjoy it, but I know that deep down I was fairly sure that it wouldn't really be for me. The thing is, I'm totally soft, an American wuss in every way: I like my food safe and clean, I like my showers warm, I like internet and 24 hour libraries and not having to deal with the pressure of haggling over every little purchase.
However, being that this is my area of study, it never really made sense that I *wouldn't* at some point have to come here. And I was truly excited to do it, but I feel like a big part of me was always thinking “oh well, it'll be tough, less comfortable than I'm used to, but I'll get through it somehow, and then I'll have the experience behind me, and feel good about the fact that I've done it, and learn from it, and then move back to my cushy life in the US and move on. I'll have satisfied the requirement as it relates to my personal perception of my schooling, and I'll have satisfied my curiosity and gotten my fix and my fill. And it will be good.”
I never really considered that I would love this place as much as I'd always tried to convince others (and myself, but mostly others) that I would. And at the beginning, I did sort of feel hesitant and reserved, just focusing on day to day events and thinking about it as a period in my life to be completed. But now, the more my thoughts wander the more I realize how absolutely amazing this place is to me. It's really something extraordinary. My chest gets tight just thinking that less than 3 months from now, I'll be back in the US, and I won't be walking around Antigua's cobblestone streets dodging cars and bikes and pedestrians, and that I won't be able to walk into a little tienda just anytime and say “por favor, me gustaría..”, or that I won't be able to just hop a chicken bus and get jammed into 5 other people as the driver takes a hairpin mountain turn at 65 mph.
Or that marimba music won't be sort of the background noise anymore. And that there won't be salsa and reggaeton playing in every corner bar. That people won't smile and dawdle as they do here, that there won't be a marketplace instead of an enormous Fry's or Shaw's.
The idea of leaving all of these things is just completely numbing and sobering and it distresses me like no other. My previous deep-seated predictions about my life are being rocked to their foundations, and the odd part is that I never realized how much I was comfortably settled in a relatively specific idea of what life and happiness and the future was until all of it came into question. Fuck, I really love it here. I love the richness of culture and people, I love the flavors of food and environment, I love the onda of daily life. I can imagine leaving, but I can't imagine never coming back. Going back to the rest of my days in the US has transformed from my fundamental life plan, into something that at least at the moment is too painful to even truly contemplate. Wtf?
And that makes me feel so lost because holy crap, what is my life now? What do I want to do? How do I go about doing it? I'm feeling the painful loss of a plan I never knew I had. I don't even know who I am anymore, I just know that things aren't how I thought they were, and that I'm not who I thought I was. It scares me a little bit. I just know that right now, Guatemala is exactly the place I want to be, for as long as I can stay here...and that being here even a month has already changed my life far more than I ever could have imagined was even possible.
...Guys, I think I may be in over my head. :S
