Smiles

[arrowwhiskers]

Today has helped me realize that I really, really love teaching English. I mean, I always knew I loved it, but I think that my understanding of it now runs deeper and clearer and I have so much more focus.

Today I worked in two different ESL programs, both in NUTells, with the cafeteria workers, and in my service learning at the ILC.
And I don't really know what it is, but while I'm there, it's hard work, just trying to *express* myself to the students, to get concepts across and help them to in turn express themselves. It's frustrating; their brains aren't always the most agile; they have to repeat a sentence many times before they get it, and sometimes even then, they have a hard time remembering or repeating it correctly 5 minutes later. Oftentimes, they depend upon me to translate a concept into Spanish, or if I refuse, then they won't really work that hard to try to strain themselves to understand it as best they can in English. They're lazy; I'm lazy; I often translate it for them. It's a lot of repetition, a lot of gesticulation, a lot of wondering if I'm actually doing any good for them.

I think that, in the end, I'm not really doing that much good in terms of learning English. I think that when it comes down to it, if a student doesn't actually work to remember something--if they think that just having it repeated to them is going to help them to learn it, then they're never actually going to get anywhere. I can only push them so much; I can only provide so much guidance. But that's not my actual job being there.
That's what I just realized today: that the bigger point of my tutoring is to show the students that there are English speakers who are friendly, who will chat with them; who are WILLING to help them. Who will smile at them and say that their English is getting better, even if it isn't, not really.

And I am so damn good at that. And I love doing it. I love repeating things for people, I love forcing people to repeat what they've learnt, and I love smiling at them and offering encouragement. I love seeing students smile when they get something right--knowing, of course, that if they've done so, then it's because of THEIR efforts, not anything I've done. I love showing people that THEY can help THEMSELVES...since, with ESL, that's what it is. I'm not a teacher, I'm just a tutor, I answer questions, offer encouragement, and smile.
It has an effect on the students, too. I leave my sessions feeling like I've legitimately made friends with the people I've worked with, and I think that reflects favorably on everyone's mood. Today, after NUTells, I went to Stetson to get tea, and I saw Diego (my student) setting up for work, and he smiled widely and waved at me, and I waved back and it just felt so *positive*. Today, after an hour of tutoring at the ILC, the two students I was working with were so thankful, thank you so much, they both said, and it's amazing how little I have to do to make them so happy. I just smiled at them, talked to them, read in English, spoke in Spanish, and they got something out of it. We make one another happy. It creates SUCH a positive dynamic, it's just amazing. I love, love, love tutoring English. It's different from teaching other things...because the people you're teaching 100% want to be there, they need to learn it, it's important to them, and thus there is a sense of legitimacy for everyone involved.

So tonight, another tutor didn't show up, so I actually had two students. They seemed to make one another more astute, maybe because they could confer in Spanish over what was happening, or perhaps out of a sense of competition; I'm not sure, but they both did really well. I was working with Monica, as usual, and another man named Jorge who was really sweet. They were working on the same things and helping one another and it was really inspiring; I think that they serve as better instructors to one another than I am to either of them. We went over such things as "on time" versus "late", and apparently "retrasado" is a better word to use in Spanish for it than "tarde". I swear, I pick up so much Spanish just working with people, because they're constantly asking what this or that means, or explaining things to others in their native tongue. Retrasado. Jorge seemed to be on top of the material, but really shy about answering; Monica totally would have taken over had I let her, but at the same time got confused more easily. They had a beautiful dynamic, though, and I *loved* working with both of them. I wish I could do it every week.

I left the ILC just feeling so elated by the experience, similar to how I'd felt when Diego waved at me and it just makes me realize how working with ESL makes me feel so legitimized and alive. On the way back to my dorm, I was sollicited by a couple of Mormons, and for possibly the only time in my life, I didn't feel harrassed. They were just standing along Huntington Ave in the bitter cold, approaching people...basically the biggest SHIT JOB ever, but they were really, really friendly about it. Did I have any curiosity about God? they asked me. No, I told them, but they smiled and said that if they could serve me in any way, they'd still like to, and despite the fact that I seemed to be an already fulfilled person, if I ever had any questions I should take their card, just because their religion had so positively impacted their life. They smiled at me, and I just felt good intentions flowing from them. ANd I got this sense that, it didn't even really matter to them if I found god, or if I found THEIR god, they just wanted everyone to be happy and this was the way that THEY had found to be happy so they were spreading it as much as they could in the only way they knew how.
I never really saw missionaries like that before. People who just legitimately want other people to be happy. I could see it in the way that they looked at me, that they could see the glow from me, because they weren't sollicitous, they weren't preachy, they could see my happiness and they just wanted to see if they could help. I want to help people too, I wanted to tell them. I want to smile at people and have them smile back and feel good about themselves and learn something new in their lives. I wouldn't necessarily do it like you do, but there are so many legitimate ways of helping people. There's so many legitimate ways to be happy. The thing that makes me remember them fondly is that I think, in the end, they would understand and appreciate that.

I don't know. There are so many thoughts running through my head that I don't know how to describe. But basically...I am a happy person. Sometimes little things cause me to forget that, but at my core, I'm happy. I guess I've been so miserable lately that I've started to forget the important facts of my life. So I decided to do something that I haven't done in ages, not since I was really ill--I drew a smiley face on my hand. Because I am *happy* right now, and tomorrow, when everything hella sucks, I will be able to look at the smiley face there, tangible proof that happiness exists, that I felt it, and that it's noted in ink, a visible defiance of transient pain that may prove, at some points, more compelling.

I am barely making sense to MYSELF at this point though, so I think I better bring this ramble to a close.

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