Hmmm

I don't know what to think. Or to feel. I guess it's sort of the "getting back on track" restless and kind of spacy feeling. Because I do think I am getting back on track, a little. My brain doesn't feel fully capable yet, and my coughing fits are still enough to rattle my eye sockets...but other than that, I feel sort of normal.

It was a sort of weird realization. I woke up this morning thinking daamn I feel sick. Still sick? SUCK. But then I realized that it could be just my normal sick that I was interpreting as otherwise sick. So my sickness is back to normal. Now that I've realized this, it's actually rather comfortable. Well. Not literally. But it is familiar, and the line between familiarity and comfort is a sort of sketchy one.

I wish I could start my week's worth of homework, but something about my brain still feels feeble. Hmm. So instead I've been madcap downloading Star Trek episodes, since I found all these forums that are talking about how they've been being mass-removed from the net. My main goal is to get all of TNG and at least some of DS9 before they do. It also seems abysmally stupid that the law would call people on sharewaring TV shows. They're on TV, after all. Most people are only downloading them for the continuity factor, which in turn gains the shows a larger fandom. Poo to you, whoever thought limiting that was a good idea.

Which leads me to next point.

Shows I want to finish seeing-
Star Trek: TOS
Star Trek: TNG
Queer as Folk

Shows I want to try out (and finish, if I like them)-
Star Trek: DS9
Babylon 5

So much TVshowness. It's like a waste of life, but I figure I've never been the type who can just watch watch watch for days, so it's not so bad. I figure it'll be years before I ACTUALLY watch all of these things, if ever. It's just nice to have the files on hand so that they're available if I have a free hour or two.

I'm blaming my spaciness and such on lingering sickness, but I'm not sure it's just that. Life is really...confusing. All I've had the energy to do this week has been to read from this linguistics book I bought awhile ago...and it's made me think about things in different ways that I can't even entirely explain. I'm trying to integrate the knowledge into my brain and it's fascinating but it's almost like it's going into a different place, like where I store anecdotes, and not meshing really with my overall knowledge...databank. Everything I think about seems kind of...distant, and I've been having a lot of really weird ideas.

I realize how vague all of this must sound. Or maybe it just sounds it to me. But I keep getting these really interesting ideas that seem half cracked out and half insightful, but certainly containing things that I never thought of before. Like, I've always had a strange fascination with Germany. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, living there, more than any other foreign country, besides like, Costa Rica (different story) feels really interesting. I would like to learn Germany and go there to try it out, and I'm not even sure why. That is a mini-dream I have harbored a long time, for no clear reason. However, lately I've been thinking things like, how it would be interesting to go to different countries, and sort of set up identities there, with different frames of my life...so like, my childhood and college years might be the English speaking section of my life. Then if I moved somewhere else, it might be like moving on from that, and transforming life and experience into something totally new. It has to do sort of with what was taught in psychology, last year. The language you think and use sort of influences how you act and how your cultural awareness is. AKa. when Asians are in an English-speaking environment, their world view sort of shifts toward western individualism...but when they return to their eastern root language, the language itself, and speaking it, shapes the way that their personality shines through it. I wonder if relinquishing an "English" life would make a difference in how one thought or behaved, or even viewed the world. Right now it is difficult to process the idea of millions of conversations being conducted right this instant not only in languages that aren't English, but also by people who don't know English, and may never know it. And yet it's true. I wonder if that awareness would feel the same in another culture. I wonder if I went to Germany and inundated myself with German if it would start to feel strange to think "a bunch of someones, somewhere, aren't speaking German" and if it would feel strange to recall American grocery stores full of bright English signs and colorful English packaging. I wonder.

I'm sorry if this has made no sense. I'm full of these trippy, half-ideas...and I seriously am so spacy...things only make even half sense to me.

I'll probably end up going to school tomorrow, though. I look forward to seeing everyone.