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Misadventures in College Life...
Feb. 25th, 2008 01:51 pmI seem to have misplaced one of my notebooks--the one that I use for human services and Latin American film. I had it with me during my final class last week, and I had that class today, and it hadn't been left in the room. It's not in my room, either--it's seriously nowhere. There is nowhere in my room that notebook could be.
And it just...I don't know. I just feel so...indignant, mostly. Like life has decided to be randomly unfair to me to an extent where I just can't take it anymore.
I mostly feel like I don't deserve this crap. There...I said it. It feels really really pretentious and selfish to say things like that, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I felt some other way. My life isn't the hardest in the world...but it also hasn't been the easiest recently what with everything that I have hanging over me. And I can deal with that. I can deal with goddamn college apps all over again and having to email a bazillion people and being sick and tired and distressed and having midterms and too much homework to think. I can accept that. But I don't *need* anything else; hasn't the world taken enough for the moment? Again, I can't type those words without thinking about the poor women I've been reading about who are dropped from welfare, or the people who are starving or dying on battlegrounds, but I still can't help feeling like in my life, considering everything that's going on, I have enough pain and struggle and I'm just so tired. I work pretty hard. Not as hard or as much as I probably should, but in the grand scheme of things I do try my best and I do all my work and study hard and it just isn't fair that I would lose a notebook already half full of notes. It's just incomprehensible. Life is cheating to make me lose.
I'm still pretty sick from last week and I think that's why my heart is beating so hard I can feel it rattle me from the inside out. I wish that I'd just stand up and faint, or at least crumple to the floor so that I'd have some physical excuse to just lie there, to just do nothing but allow myself to be as sick and as crushed as I actually feel.
It's funny the sort of perspective that it gives you, though. On any other day, with my notebook safely in my backpack, I wouldn't even notice it. It'd just...be there. And I'd probably find something else to bitch about (since it's been a less than stellar day anyway), but now it has become something special. Now, if I get my notebook back, it will brighten my whole day. It has become a beacon for positive emotion that wasn't there before.
Which is kind of interesting to consider, really.
And it just...I don't know. I just feel so...indignant, mostly. Like life has decided to be randomly unfair to me to an extent where I just can't take it anymore.
I mostly feel like I don't deserve this crap. There...I said it. It feels really really pretentious and selfish to say things like that, but I'd be lying if I claimed that I felt some other way. My life isn't the hardest in the world...but it also hasn't been the easiest recently what with everything that I have hanging over me. And I can deal with that. I can deal with goddamn college apps all over again and having to email a bazillion people and being sick and tired and distressed and having midterms and too much homework to think. I can accept that. But I don't *need* anything else; hasn't the world taken enough for the moment? Again, I can't type those words without thinking about the poor women I've been reading about who are dropped from welfare, or the people who are starving or dying on battlegrounds, but I still can't help feeling like in my life, considering everything that's going on, I have enough pain and struggle and I'm just so tired. I work pretty hard. Not as hard or as much as I probably should, but in the grand scheme of things I do try my best and I do all my work and study hard and it just isn't fair that I would lose a notebook already half full of notes. It's just incomprehensible. Life is cheating to make me lose.
I'm still pretty sick from last week and I think that's why my heart is beating so hard I can feel it rattle me from the inside out. I wish that I'd just stand up and faint, or at least crumple to the floor so that I'd have some physical excuse to just lie there, to just do nothing but allow myself to be as sick and as crushed as I actually feel.
It's funny the sort of perspective that it gives you, though. On any other day, with my notebook safely in my backpack, I wouldn't even notice it. It'd just...be there. And I'd probably find something else to bitch about (since it's been a less than stellar day anyway), but now it has become something special. Now, if I get my notebook back, it will brighten my whole day. It has become a beacon for positive emotion that wasn't there before.
Which is kind of interesting to consider, really.
