arrowwhiskers: (save me)
[personal profile] arrowwhiskers
Sometimes I feel like I am a half-person, like I am just a shell of blood and bones and organs and there is nothing real to me.
I feel like people all around me look, and they see me, and they see my emptiness. They see that I am an empty person and then they glance away and forget the moment and I am no one.

They've always done that. But before there were a couple who didn't, and they were the only ones who mattered. Here I am a stranger to everybody. Before I used to see a potential friend in every stranger's glance, but now I just feel their eyes pass through their potential friendship with me and deem it worthless.

Even after almost an entire semester, I don't have a life here. My life is still in Boston. Which is NOT to say I don't have friends. But I think the only people who actually truly give a shit about me here are Ray and Maria, and I met them both online. As much as I adore them, they do not anchor me in this life--most of our interactions are online as well. There is not a single person for whom it is necessary or even really that important that I am *here*.
So I don't really have a real life, not in Arizona. And I really am trying to make one. I'm trying to move on, yet failing--not for a wavering desire, not for uncertainty in my path, not for turning too often to look behind me--but for a lack of something *in me* that other people see and find attractive. I don't know how to make friends--real friends, whose presence actually matters. I really don't. I don't know how it happened the first time...how I made friends before. It just kind of happened. I don't know how to repeat it. I don't know how to turn myself into a whole person, one that people actually see. -_-

I don't know since when it's been Rai-is-emo week, but I'm sorry...

Hiatus on AIM and LJ until Wednesday night (maybe?), since I have let things pile up, yet again.

Date: 2008-11-25 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grimnir42.livejournal.com
I find this is only a problem until you get over it. This is the way most problems are.
If you except it, take it into yourself, make it part of yourself, you have confidence and a fuller personality. If you reject who you are and the way you are, you will never have your own personality; or that is, at least, how people will see it.
It'll be fine, once you stop whining about it.

Date: 2008-11-28 04:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com
Lol yeah, and I know that--sometimes you just have to write out all the irrational and sad shit that's kicking around in your head just so that you're able to feel better.

Date: 2008-11-28 11:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grimnir42.livejournal.com
It always makes me feel much, much worse when I write something about it if I'm feeling bad. Hm.

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