Half-person.

[arrowwhiskers]

Sometimes I feel like I am a half-person, like I am just a shell of blood and bones and organs and there is nothing real to me.
I feel like people all around me look, and they see me, and they see my emptiness. They see that I am an empty person and then they glance away and forget the moment and I am no one.

They've always done that. But before there were a couple who didn't, and they were the only ones who mattered. Here I am a stranger to everybody. Before I used to see a potential friend in every stranger's glance, but now I just feel their eyes pass through their potential friendship with me and deem it worthless.

Even after almost an entire semester, I don't have a life here. My life is still in Boston. Which is NOT to say I don't have friends. But I think the only people who actually truly give a shit about me here are Ray and Maria, and I met them both online. As much as I adore them, they do not anchor me in this life--most of our interactions are online as well. There is not a single person for whom it is necessary or even really that important that I am *here*.
So I don't really have a real life, not in Arizona. And I really am trying to make one. I'm trying to move on, yet failing--not for a wavering desire, not for uncertainty in my path, not for turning too often to look behind me--but for a lack of something *in me* that other people see and find attractive. I don't know how to make friends--real friends, whose presence actually matters. I really don't. I don't know how it happened the first time...how I made friends before. It just kind of happened. I don't know how to repeat it. I don't know how to turn myself into a whole person, one that people actually see. -_-

I don't know since when it's been Rai-is-emo week, but I'm sorry...

Hiatus on AIM and LJ until Wednesday night (maybe?), since I have let things pile up, yet again.

Comments

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

That is actually a really interesting idea--looking for things in other people and not worrying so much about your own self. I think I shall try it. :)

The thing is that I do think that people can make deep heart-friends anywhere they go. Like last year the people I met, I could tell that if I spent more time with them and let the years pile up, I would definitely get to that level of closeness with them (but didn't for simple lack of time). I think I may just be ridiculously fortunate that I have met such wonderful people, and happened to have had the opportunity to become friends with them.

I think that's most of my problem. Inflated expectations. I have a lot of trouble with that--being happy with how life IS, rather than how I'd like it to be. But it is a good goal ^^

Good luck to you in this arena as well <3