Half-person.
Nov. 24th, 2008 09:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arrowwhiskersSometimes I feel like I am a half-person, like I am just a shell of blood and bones and organs and there is nothing real to me.
I feel like people all around me look, and they see me, and they see my emptiness. They see that I am an empty person and then they glance away and forget the moment and I am no one.
They've always done that. But before there were a couple who didn't, and they were the only ones who mattered. Here I am a stranger to everybody. Before I used to see a potential friend in every stranger's glance, but now I just feel their eyes pass through their potential friendship with me and deem it worthless.
Even after almost an entire semester, I don't have a life here. My life is still in Boston. Which is NOT to say I don't have friends. But I think the only people who actually truly give a shit about me here are Ray and Maria, and I met them both online. As much as I adore them, they do not anchor me in this life--most of our interactions are online as well. There is not a single person for whom it is necessary or even really that important that I am *here*.
So I don't really have a real life, not in Arizona. And I really am trying to make one. I'm trying to move on, yet failing--not for a wavering desire, not for uncertainty in my path, not for turning too often to look behind me--but for a lack of something *in me* that other people see and find attractive. I don't know how to make friends--real friends, whose presence actually matters. I really don't. I don't know how it happened the first time...how I made friends before. It just kind of happened. I don't know how to repeat it. I don't know how to turn myself into a whole person, one that people actually see. -_-
I don't know since when it's been Rai-is-emo week, but I'm sorry...
Hiatus on AIM and LJ until Wednesday night (maybe?), since I have let things pile up, yet again.
I feel like people all around me look, and they see me, and they see my emptiness. They see that I am an empty person and then they glance away and forget the moment and I am no one.
They've always done that. But before there were a couple who didn't, and they were the only ones who mattered. Here I am a stranger to everybody. Before I used to see a potential friend in every stranger's glance, but now I just feel their eyes pass through their potential friendship with me and deem it worthless.
Even after almost an entire semester, I don't have a life here. My life is still in Boston. Which is NOT to say I don't have friends. But I think the only people who actually truly give a shit about me here are Ray and Maria, and I met them both online. As much as I adore them, they do not anchor me in this life--most of our interactions are online as well. There is not a single person for whom it is necessary or even really that important that I am *here*.
So I don't really have a real life, not in Arizona. And I really am trying to make one. I'm trying to move on, yet failing--not for a wavering desire, not for uncertainty in my path, not for turning too often to look behind me--but for a lack of something *in me* that other people see and find attractive. I don't know how to make friends--real friends, whose presence actually matters. I really don't. I don't know how it happened the first time...how I made friends before. It just kind of happened. I don't know how to repeat it. I don't know how to turn myself into a whole person, one that people actually see. -_-
I don't know since when it's been Rai-is-emo week, but I'm sorry...
Hiatus on AIM and LJ until Wednesday night (maybe?), since I have let things pile up, yet again.
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-28 10:04 pm (UTC)You don't have to apologize, I was just pointing out that you are shooting yourself in the foot. You said you didn't respond because you didn't know me...weeeeell you won't make friends of strangers if you don't talk to them. ;) Assuming you are using that philosophy in real life as well.
I work full time and I'm taking 15 credits (I wrangled 18 last semester) and I still find time to volunteer, be active in clubs and cultivate friendships and a relationship. But these things are worth the time and energy...because they are the things that make life enjoyable. It seems odd that doing more could make you feel more energized. But if don't do them because work and school are draining you, you just feel more drained, because all you do is work and go to school.
Tucson is a much better town for the 21 and over crowd, but there are still some good things for younger folks. Art openings are a blast and they rarely check ID >.>