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Dec. 18th, 2005 10:43 pmToday started interestingly. I fell asleep crying, and woke up still crying. Yesterday was a daze of Anna's impending move, procrastinated college junk, strange convos with old friends, and intoxicated adults laughing uproariously downstairs. All in all, there was much angst and little clarity of thought.
So I woke up to my mom saying 'okay, I'm going to Maine and taking the car, bye.' This was more upsetting than it had to be, being I was already feeling vile, but it also meant that a) I have to walk to school tomorrow and b) I wouldn't be able to go to the movies with Anna, on her last fucking day in my existence. So I went back to bed and sulked, and spent the next few hours moping around and being very NOT productive.
Then I got a shock when Katherine called, saying that her mom had preordered tickets to see Brokeback Mountain in Brookline, and I was coming, wasn't I? I guess I gave the false impression that I had been committed to going, since I really hadn't felt that strongly that I'd be able to. It was a huge surprise, but the guilt over wasting a ticket prodded me to take them up on their offer and go.
This was a very, very big decision. It doesn't seem like it, and even if I explained it probably wouldn't seem like a very big deal to normal people. I'm not going to explain the details of the mental aspect of my illness, but I'll suffice to say that the decision to go to a movie far from home with a group of people while on experimental meds...was one of the hardest and scariest ones I've made all year. And it's December fucking 18th, so 'this year' is really saying something. The last time I made a daring decision like that, it backfired HORRIBLY, but this time it actually worked out really well. While I feel really conflicted about going to the cinema with Katherine and co. and NOT with Anna, I'm really glad I managed it.
I got a sense of my old life, the way things used to be before I started going crazy as well as sick. It gives me hope...and I enjoy hope... :3
Anyway, about the movie. I have extensive and rambling thoughts about it, and while I'm not going to mention the major spoiler, there may be a few little ones mixed in. If you want to see it, I'm not sure how much you do/don't want to know. :P So I'll LJ cut this just in case.
( Brokeback Mountain thoughts- Maybe some minor spoilers? )
Anyway, going to see that ate my afternoon and left me sleepy. Which means I'm going to have to mail Anna her going away bracelet, having had no opportunity to make it and walk it over to her house. ._. I can't think about that too much though, because it's too depressing. I must now focus on college apps and calculus!study.
Mmm, calculus. Nawt.
So I woke up to my mom saying 'okay, I'm going to Maine and taking the car, bye.' This was more upsetting than it had to be, being I was already feeling vile, but it also meant that a) I have to walk to school tomorrow and b) I wouldn't be able to go to the movies with Anna, on her last fucking day in my existence. So I went back to bed and sulked, and spent the next few hours moping around and being very NOT productive.
Then I got a shock when Katherine called, saying that her mom had preordered tickets to see Brokeback Mountain in Brookline, and I was coming, wasn't I? I guess I gave the false impression that I had been committed to going, since I really hadn't felt that strongly that I'd be able to. It was a huge surprise, but the guilt over wasting a ticket prodded me to take them up on their offer and go.
This was a very, very big decision. It doesn't seem like it, and even if I explained it probably wouldn't seem like a very big deal to normal people. I'm not going to explain the details of the mental aspect of my illness, but I'll suffice to say that the decision to go to a movie far from home with a group of people while on experimental meds...was one of the hardest and scariest ones I've made all year. And it's December fucking 18th, so 'this year' is really saying something. The last time I made a daring decision like that, it backfired HORRIBLY, but this time it actually worked out really well. While I feel really conflicted about going to the cinema with Katherine and co. and NOT with Anna, I'm really glad I managed it.
I got a sense of my old life, the way things used to be before I started going crazy as well as sick. It gives me hope...and I enjoy hope... :3
Anyway, about the movie. I have extensive and rambling thoughts about it, and while I'm not going to mention the major spoiler, there may be a few little ones mixed in. If you want to see it, I'm not sure how much you do/don't want to know. :P So I'll LJ cut this just in case.
( Brokeback Mountain thoughts- Maybe some minor spoilers? )
Anyway, going to see that ate my afternoon and left me sleepy. Which means I'm going to have to mail Anna her going away bracelet, having had no opportunity to make it and walk it over to her house. ._. I can't think about that too much though, because it's too depressing. I must now focus on college apps and calculus!study.
Mmm, calculus. Nawt.
