Wanderlust: On not having a boyfriend

[arrowwhiskers]

Most of the time, if I think about how single I am (and always have been), I start to feel inadequate, and lonely, and broodish. But at the same time, I was just thinking that there are some parts of being single that I really appreciate, and would definitely miss were I to become attached.

The most major one is freedom, really. In terms of being tied down anywhere...I'm not--not really. I mean, I have my family here in MA, but they have their own lives and while they're happy to be near me and support me when they can, close proximity is in no way a necessity; not for themselves, nor for me. And I don't really have any other physical commitments to anyone at all.

Which means that really, I can go anywhere I want. My only restrictions are logistics (mostly money), and my own mental barriers, which I do believe I may overcome with time. I have already committed to hurling myself across the country, and I fully expect to do so many more times assuming I live long enough. If I actually reflect upon this sense of freedom, I discover that it is legitimately a part of my perception of the future, of happiness.

I am going through a sort of tumultuous period, mentally...concerning life direction and motivations and goals and turning my old perceptions and expectations on their head. I haven't really written about it because I haven't had the words--but basically everything I was once devoted so strongly to has become so evanescent. I no longer feel dedicated to one path, to doing *one thing*--honestly, I do feel like I could end up doing anything and generally be content. I do want to move around though. I want to live and experience many different places, I know that for sure. I think that's the only thing that I do know, that I *do* want for sure anymore. And who knows--as a goal, that may too disappear. But at the moment, I'm happy with it.

So in general, I guess, I'm really pretty happy that there is nobody around to love me--nobody around to calm my dizzy wanderlust and tie me down to earth.

Comments

[namelessw0nder.livejournal.com]

A boyfriend does not mean you are tied down. A boyfriend is only what you make him. Okay, this is sounding weird. Let's make him out of clay! What I mean is, you find a person you like, and you talk about what you want your relationship to mean. And you can call them your "boyfriend". I think it's much simpler than you're making it out to be, but I only know yer head based on what you write here. =)

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

It's true that it doesn't *necessarily* mean to be tied down, but the way I think about it, having someone is just an added part of the equation, and in a general sense, as the equation becomes more complex, more considerations = less sort of overarching freedom.

I guess what I mean is that if I were dating someone I'd definitely want to make some sort of effort to stay with them physically, and to take their itinerary into account, which may differ in scope from what I'd normally end up doing. It's true that I could perhaps find someone who'd be willing to follow me anywhere, or who'd lead me places I wouldn't normally go, but the most realistic prediction I could make leads to suddenly having two considerations--where they are, and where I am. Which feels somehow confining.

It's perhaps an irrational prediction, that this would change things so much, but it's a feeling I can't help but shake. Only the future may tell, I suppose. :0