Wanderlust: On not having a boyfriend

[arrowwhiskers]

Most of the time, if I think about how single I am (and always have been), I start to feel inadequate, and lonely, and broodish. But at the same time, I was just thinking that there are some parts of being single that I really appreciate, and would definitely miss were I to become attached.

The most major one is freedom, really. In terms of being tied down anywhere...I'm not--not really. I mean, I have my family here in MA, but they have their own lives and while they're happy to be near me and support me when they can, close proximity is in no way a necessity; not for themselves, nor for me. And I don't really have any other physical commitments to anyone at all.

Which means that really, I can go anywhere I want. My only restrictions are logistics (mostly money), and my own mental barriers, which I do believe I may overcome with time. I have already committed to hurling myself across the country, and I fully expect to do so many more times assuming I live long enough. If I actually reflect upon this sense of freedom, I discover that it is legitimately a part of my perception of the future, of happiness.

I am going through a sort of tumultuous period, mentally...concerning life direction and motivations and goals and turning my old perceptions and expectations on their head. I haven't really written about it because I haven't had the words--but basically everything I was once devoted so strongly to has become so evanescent. I no longer feel dedicated to one path, to doing *one thing*--honestly, I do feel like I could end up doing anything and generally be content. I do want to move around though. I want to live and experience many different places, I know that for sure. I think that's the only thing that I do know, that I *do* want for sure anymore. And who knows--as a goal, that may too disappear. But at the moment, I'm happy with it.

So in general, I guess, I'm really pretty happy that there is nobody around to love me--nobody around to calm my dizzy wanderlust and tie me down to earth.

Comments

[acern.livejournal.com]

D: We love you.

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I know. <3

[jetaimerai.livejournal.com]

I.. don't know what else to say other than I agree with this post, completely! I never really thought about it but you're right. I do have a strong sense of wanderlust, and my disinterest in getting married, having kids, comes from it - if I did start a family, I could no longer indulge in that; I wouldn't have the freedom to do so.

Yet, I get emo over being perpetually single anyway, lmao. What a dilemma we've got ourselves in, huh?

I also don't feel particularly tied to any one path - I'm pursuing teaching English, but really because I need a goal to pursue, lest I drive myself crazy with anxiety. And I can't even say I'm tied to any one place or language; since I underwent an upheaval from French/France to Spanish/Spain, naturally that could happen again... and again.... But I'm not so worried about it, because I feel that it'll all unravel itself in time. All I can focus on right now is my immediate future, my junior year of UCSC. All else can follow later.

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Haha yeah, it's easy to still be emo about it (I totally am too, lol), but at the same time this is just one of the pros to match the cons.

It's true that what comes, comes, and just kind of working with it is what is truly the most important part. Now...to actually practice what I preach, lmao >>;;

[liberkaotica.livejournal.com]

boyfriends are overrated, I don't have a boyfriend, and look how I turned out!

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Fair point! :0

[namelessw0nder.livejournal.com]

A boyfriend does not mean you are tied down. A boyfriend is only what you make him. Okay, this is sounding weird. Let's make him out of clay! What I mean is, you find a person you like, and you talk about what you want your relationship to mean. And you can call them your "boyfriend". I think it's much simpler than you're making it out to be, but I only know yer head based on what you write here. =)

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

It's true that it doesn't *necessarily* mean to be tied down, but the way I think about it, having someone is just an added part of the equation, and in a general sense, as the equation becomes more complex, more considerations = less sort of overarching freedom.

I guess what I mean is that if I were dating someone I'd definitely want to make some sort of effort to stay with them physically, and to take their itinerary into account, which may differ in scope from what I'd normally end up doing. It's true that I could perhaps find someone who'd be willing to follow me anywhere, or who'd lead me places I wouldn't normally go, but the most realistic prediction I could make leads to suddenly having two considerations--where they are, and where I am. Which feels somehow confining.

It's perhaps an irrational prediction, that this would change things so much, but it's a feeling I can't help but shake. Only the future may tell, I suppose. :0

[greenbloodnight.livejournal.com]

Not that I disagree about there being benefits to being single, but in my mind a real romance doesn't leave a person feeling tied down or pulled down to Earth.

Normally, it's kinda like a dream, like you still live your life, but there just happens to be a person who makes you insanely happy or comforted when you're around them. That's how it was for me at least. I was free, and I was happy.

PS: We all love you. Dork :p

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I know that in practice, that can be true, but it seems a bit much to hope for.

I think some of this entry came from something Robin said once--that she might want to study abroad somewhere (I think they're opening up a limited time Cuba exchange she wanted to go on), but she said that it was unduly complicated now that she had a boyfriend and "had to take that into account"...like, she has to now consider that if she were to study there, she'd have to abandon him and be away from him for 6 months. Which...admittedly is more unthinkable for Robin and Jeremy than I think it would be for me, but the point stands. The truth is that it makes a new factor in how one makes decisions. While that may not necessarily limit spontaneity and freedom, it seems to me that it might be somewhat likely to, if only a little bit.

[l33tspike.livejournal.com]

it's okay rachel, I don't have a boyfriend either

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Haha this was a funny quip the first time, but since Matty got there first unfort. yours wins the unesteemed distinction of lame-o copycat.

Iloveyouanywaysthough <3333

[l33tspike.livejournal.com]

but my quip was the focus of my comment! I think it distinguishes my comment!