Some thoughts

[arrowwhiskers]

First let me say that I RAN INTO HIM AGAIN TODAY. I was just off work, still in uniform, walking down the hall, and there he was, with a friend. I was distracted, as I had just connected a call with my glorious Wen, with whom I have not had a serious conversation in months. And he caught my eye, and he smiled, and he said "hi!"

And I died inside, wishing I could be all HI and say more but since I was on the phone with Wen I just kind of said hi back and kept walking.

I am torn between feeling on the one hand AMAZINGLY FRUSTRATED and OH SO GOOD on the other. Because I swore to myself I'd talk to him at the next opportunity, because I never know when (or if..!) I'll ever see him again. But I didn't have the chance.... BUT. On the other hand, HE said hi to ME, which puts us on a friendly-greeting-in-the-hallway level. Which, to anyone who remembers high school, is a pretty big deal. Even more so considering this hallway is trodden by 40,000+ students. So yeah. lakjfldkj. I am so pathetic ^___^;;;

On a different note, I have been thinking about needs and happiness and fulfillment and everything brings me to a sort of startling conclusion: I think that it would be very good for me if I could just take a break from the internet. A real break, not just a hiatus...and not just AIM and LJ, but like. Fucking all of it. I honestly wish I could just cut myself off from the internet for about 4 months. And see what I would be forced to do! Read, I'm sure. Actually put effort and thought into cooking and cleaning. Go places, and call people rather than just waiting to IM them. Develop real life interactions. Exercise. Think about life--and live it, for god's sake.

The internet is such a wonderful tool. It is a gift. But it is also a curse, because humans (or at least I) am so easily drawn into it and moved to abuse it by letting it consume my life, rather than enrich it. I'm basically an addict, and I need to go into rehab.

The problem is that school in no way allows you to do that. I have assignments online every day, exams...stuff I need to search up. Even if I wanted to quit so bad, I can't! Even the school system has been swallowed whole by the technological abyss. And I think for people like me, who devote so much life to it, it's seriously a black hole, it takes away from what is really important. I need to learn how to live again.

So I've decided that in the fortunate event that I actually survive college (I can't seem to kick this lingering sensation that I might not live that long), I'm going to move to a place that Is Not Tucson, and I am not going to pay for internet. For several months. Screw that shit. That way, if I want to check my email, I will have to go to a public library, which I will probably do often, but the important thing is to not have access to internet at home. It will be an exercise in wholesome living. I will look words up in paper dictionaries. I will read paper headlines. Listen to the radio *on the radio*, rather than on the internet. Seek out conversation in person. Work on creating things, and exploring my surroundings, and knowing, for the first time, when you take away the internet, what is left of me.

Man, it seems like such a daunting challenge, but I want to do it *now*, since I'm in such a rut. But it's something to look forward to, when I'm not a student anymore. It adds a whole new dimension to the idea of getting out into the "real world" and living who you really are.

Comments

[jetaimerai.livejournal.com]

I am not going to pay for internet. For several months.
I only approve of this plan if you're living in San Francisco with me! >:|

I know what you mean, though. I literally don't know who I am without the internet, and isn't that fucking disturbing? No wonder I feel so stunted and socially inept in real life.

The only thing is, I'm wary of doing something like you propose. I have a sinking feeling that cutting myself off from the internet won't force me to forge more relationships. I think it would just make me withdraw even further from the world. But if I were with you, maybe not. :P

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Maybe not forge new relationships, but at least have a different sort of perspective on the real world.

And yes yes yes we should do this together. And explore and ride public transit all sorts of places and get to know where things are. :D I feel like without internet, I'd really be motivated to get out of the house and learn about where we'd live. *glee*

[greenbloodnight.livejournal.com]

I agree. Just cuz you're not gonna waste your time on the internet doesn't mean that you're going to make more friends than before or suddenly become more sociable. You'll just find something else to do.

Spending time on the internet really isn't a bad thing, in moderation at least. It's no worse than listening to your iPod while riding the T.

If you want to meet addicts, you should meet 3 of the 4 other people I'm rooming with :p

Not to be mean or anything, but they seem to spend a lot of time playing World of Warcraft....

[sforzare.livejournal.com]

It's true... it's pretty bad, isn't it. Any one of us who denies that we're not addicts is a dirty liar.

[greenbloodnight.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's like being addicted to a cheap prostitute (or transvestite goat as the case may be *cough cough Matt cough*) who services millions of men and women a day.

Honestly, I wonder what would happen if all the MMORPGs of the world all managed to catch a virus. Something treatable, but bad enough that it would shut down things for a month or so.

[sforzare.livejournal.com]

Haha, it wouldn't be that bad, I'd be able to find other things to do. :P

[sforzare.livejournal.com]

I have a love/hate relationship with the internet/other technology. I spend so much time on it (especially now that I've started playing WoW... see Justin's comment above), but then once in a while I feel like all I'm doing is wasting loads of time. Usually that goes hand in hand with feeling unfulfilled. BUT I'M AN ADDICT. I need technology rehab. D:

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Hah yeah. I feel like if I had no internet for like 1 or 2 weeks I wouldn't know what to do with myself, and kind of stare at walls feeling lost until I got over the withdrawl. I feel like I would go out more, heh.

When I move after college you should visit me and we'll explore a city together. :D It will be group support technology rehab. (I am so moving to San Francisco)

[greenbloodnight.livejournal.com]

OOooOOoo

Can I come down and visit if you move to San Fran?

[acern.livejournal.com]

I don't know, I sort of feel like, if I were going to give up the internet, I'd want most to keep the online dictionaries and radios and news- because while I can get them offline, it's incredibly annoying, and it's not a bad thing to have access to them. Real radios with the dials that you have to turn to find the stations are fucking shit- I can never get anything but static from them. And dictionaries are time-consuming, cumbersome, and expensive, while newspapers are annoying to read- whoever decided that they should be printed on GINORMOUS SHEETS OF PAPER needs to be shot. I think, if it were me, I would give up, like... facebook and lj and such things, but I couldn't give up email, even if I wasn't in school... my parents talk to me through it, and dojo announcements about seminars and stuff come through it... Well, maybe I could. This is an interesting idea. I will have to think on it.

...Well, those are my personal objections, but I think that if you want to try this, you totally should. It'd be enlightening. But you have to, like... keep a paper journal, so that after you're done, you can put everything up on lj and we can know about it. <3 And you have to call me, if I don't get doses of Rai through here.

...Also, don't die before you get through college, please. D: Or right after, either. I would be upset.

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I think the main thing is that you aren't on AIM every moment of your life, while..I sort of am. I don't know but I'm not sure that you're the internet addict I am. If I allowed myself even email I would be checking it 24/7 in lieu of visiting everything else. I have no self control, I need to take a plunge and get rid of all of it in order to do it right. xD

Plus, I feel like I would enjoy having to turn the dials and flip through the huge sheets of paper, though. Like, it would be a welcome change of pace.

And dude, yeah, I'll actually have to call you. (YOU SHOULD GET TEXTING YO)

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Dear Pat:

I do not mean to imply that the internet is an unpleasant or unfortunate addiction for everyone who uses it a lot. I fully agree with you, I have like, a bazillion online friends and they are totally my world and I love them to pieces. And they would be a barrier towards me breaking off from the internet. I also do feel like it is a way to get to know real life friends better--I feel like I got to know *you* better over the internet, for example. :) It's the most amazing forum for meeting and getting to know people.

I'm mostly saying that at least for me, it's gone beyond a hobby. I mean, I do have hobbies connected to the net, but since I don't really play games (which are a legitimate hobby), I sometimes find myself just sitting in front of IM, talking to no one, or talking to a few people about nothing, and I feel like I spend so many nights like that. In fact when I spend nights NOT doing that, I feel compulsively like I WANT to be online, but once I sign on, usually nothing interesting happens. But I want to be online anyway. It's like a strange addiction,like I feel like it's the only thing I want to do, but at the end of the month, looking back on night after night of being online and doing nothing, rather than actually doing something, I wonder whether it's really a good thing, whether it's really what I want to do in my life.

I'm not saying that people can't find that fulfilling, it's more like I *can't*, like I personally have a problem with it, but at the same time when I'm not on the internet, I want to be. It's like a weird. I don't know. But it's not healthy, for me. That's why I'm saying I need a break--not because I find the internet to be a hobby, but because I feel like it is more than a hobby, it is my life, and I happen to want to have a life outside it.

It's just really hard to go and give up something that is your life, especially if it's your school life too, lol.

But yeah I didn't mean to knock other internet addicts, or gamers, I'm just speaking for myself. I really do hope that I have the willpower to do it, but if I do it won't be for a few years anyway. Thanks for your thoughts though <3

PS. I think I get the impression I may die because on the safest way to school possible, there are still a couple of places where there is no place for bikes and I feel like I cheat death every time I ride by them (which is several times per day, lol)

[eska-rina.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Good luck with both the boy and the Internet when that time is :)

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thank you! :D

The Internet

[zimfusion.livejournal.com]

a blessing and a curse.

sometimes I hate it for wasting my time.

some days it's what makes me want to wake up in the morning.

[salamandir.livejournal.com]

*icon love*

[zimfusion.livejournal.com]

feel free to steal it :)

[salamandir.livejournal.com]

Awesome... thanks! I'll give you credit. Did you draw it?

[salamandir.livejournal.com]

You know, it's funny you should say all this.... I've actually been thinking for a while now about shutting down my (*gasp*) THREE LiveJournal accounts to get rid of my excuse to waste time reading stuff from communities and such. But then I realize that there are personalities I would miss, and I stick around. But now I'm thinking, yeah... maybe it's time to close out at least one of those accounts. (Or get over my insane need to compartmentalize everything. One or the other.)

I like your plan, though. It sounds so wholesome and healthy! :) And yes... as others have pointed out, please don't die.