Some thoughts

[arrowwhiskers]

First let me say that I RAN INTO HIM AGAIN TODAY. I was just off work, still in uniform, walking down the hall, and there he was, with a friend. I was distracted, as I had just connected a call with my glorious Wen, with whom I have not had a serious conversation in months. And he caught my eye, and he smiled, and he said "hi!"

And I died inside, wishing I could be all HI and say more but since I was on the phone with Wen I just kind of said hi back and kept walking.

I am torn between feeling on the one hand AMAZINGLY FRUSTRATED and OH SO GOOD on the other. Because I swore to myself I'd talk to him at the next opportunity, because I never know when (or if..!) I'll ever see him again. But I didn't have the chance.... BUT. On the other hand, HE said hi to ME, which puts us on a friendly-greeting-in-the-hallway level. Which, to anyone who remembers high school, is a pretty big deal. Even more so considering this hallway is trodden by 40,000+ students. So yeah. lakjfldkj. I am so pathetic ^___^;;;

On a different note, I have been thinking about needs and happiness and fulfillment and everything brings me to a sort of startling conclusion: I think that it would be very good for me if I could just take a break from the internet. A real break, not just a hiatus...and not just AIM and LJ, but like. Fucking all of it. I honestly wish I could just cut myself off from the internet for about 4 months. And see what I would be forced to do! Read, I'm sure. Actually put effort and thought into cooking and cleaning. Go places, and call people rather than just waiting to IM them. Develop real life interactions. Exercise. Think about life--and live it, for god's sake.

The internet is such a wonderful tool. It is a gift. But it is also a curse, because humans (or at least I) am so easily drawn into it and moved to abuse it by letting it consume my life, rather than enrich it. I'm basically an addict, and I need to go into rehab.

The problem is that school in no way allows you to do that. I have assignments online every day, exams...stuff I need to search up. Even if I wanted to quit so bad, I can't! Even the school system has been swallowed whole by the technological abyss. And I think for people like me, who devote so much life to it, it's seriously a black hole, it takes away from what is really important. I need to learn how to live again.

So I've decided that in the fortunate event that I actually survive college (I can't seem to kick this lingering sensation that I might not live that long), I'm going to move to a place that Is Not Tucson, and I am not going to pay for internet. For several months. Screw that shit. That way, if I want to check my email, I will have to go to a public library, which I will probably do often, but the important thing is to not have access to internet at home. It will be an exercise in wholesome living. I will look words up in paper dictionaries. I will read paper headlines. Listen to the radio *on the radio*, rather than on the internet. Seek out conversation in person. Work on creating things, and exploring my surroundings, and knowing, for the first time, when you take away the internet, what is left of me.

Man, it seems like such a daunting challenge, but I want to do it *now*, since I'm in such a rut. But it's something to look forward to, when I'm not a student anymore. It adds a whole new dimension to the idea of getting out into the "real world" and living who you really are.

Comments

[acern.livejournal.com]

I don't know, I sort of feel like, if I were going to give up the internet, I'd want most to keep the online dictionaries and radios and news- because while I can get them offline, it's incredibly annoying, and it's not a bad thing to have access to them. Real radios with the dials that you have to turn to find the stations are fucking shit- I can never get anything but static from them. And dictionaries are time-consuming, cumbersome, and expensive, while newspapers are annoying to read- whoever decided that they should be printed on GINORMOUS SHEETS OF PAPER needs to be shot. I think, if it were me, I would give up, like... facebook and lj and such things, but I couldn't give up email, even if I wasn't in school... my parents talk to me through it, and dojo announcements about seminars and stuff come through it... Well, maybe I could. This is an interesting idea. I will have to think on it.

...Well, those are my personal objections, but I think that if you want to try this, you totally should. It'd be enlightening. But you have to, like... keep a paper journal, so that after you're done, you can put everything up on lj and we can know about it. <3 And you have to call me, if I don't get doses of Rai through here.

...Also, don't die before you get through college, please. D: Or right after, either. I would be upset.

[arrowwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I think the main thing is that you aren't on AIM every moment of your life, while..I sort of am. I don't know but I'm not sure that you're the internet addict I am. If I allowed myself even email I would be checking it 24/7 in lieu of visiting everything else. I have no self control, I need to take a plunge and get rid of all of it in order to do it right. xD

Plus, I feel like I would enjoy having to turn the dials and flip through the huge sheets of paper, though. Like, it would be a welcome change of pace.

And dude, yeah, I'll actually have to call you. (YOU SHOULD GET TEXTING YO)